Back....to the STUFF!
by Chibi Steiner
Summary: Eh. Everybody writes something during a bout with the flu. Mine just sucks MORE. Yes! This Fic is certified to suck at least 2 times better than everyone elses! Back to the Future parody with Heero and an 88oz. soda. Get over it, punk.
1. Default Chapter

Ha! Here goes the intro!  
" He was always late. He blew things up, too.  
He drove a Gundam. But he blew it up.   
He torched a few colonies, too.   
But now….he has all the time he needs. Scary!"  
  
[insert ugly title logo.]  
  
::Dateline, a large flaming space colony! People go about their daily lives as their colony is reduced to a flaming space-ball of doom!::  
  
Colonist #2: Hey…why's our colony on fire?  
Colonist #1: It's always on fire. No biggie.  
Colonist #2: Guess you're right. Wanna go get a snow cone and watch a bear ride a motorcycle?  
Colonist #1: DO I!! Let's go!  
  
:: Meanwhile, on the other side of the flaming colony, Heero stands amongst the inferno.::  
  
Heero: Look at me. I'm Michel J. Fox. Dur dur dur.  
  
::Ahem.::  
  
Heero: Oh. Dude, sorry. I mean….  
  
::Heero takes a note card::  
  
Heero: 'Look at me. I'm your average, stereotypical teenaged male from the mid-'80s. There is no possible way you'd expect me to time-travel, unless you've seen the preview trailers.'  
  
::That's more like it. Suddenly, Relena shows up and stalks Heero mercilessly!::  
  
Relena: Heero, you shall be mine soon. Oh yes. Yes, you will be mine, and mine is what thou shalt become! Uwahaha!  
Heero: I am failing to notice Relena, even though she is grappling onto my back. There is NO POSSIBLE WAY that she can be important to the story. Hint hint hint.  
Relena: Heero! Lavish me in your splendor!  
Heero: Screw you, babe. I'm gonna go take part in some mid-'80s teenaged mischief.  
  
::And he did.::  
  
Heero: Ah, I'm so tired. I'll go to bed at five till one, because there is NO POSSIBLE WAY I could receive a phone call this early in the morning. Or late at night. I'll sleep now.  
  
::And he did.::  
  
Heero: Sleep sleep sleep.   
Phone: WAKE UP, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP! I mean, uh, ring ring ring.  
  
::Heero wakes up and picks up the phone!::  
  
Heero: 'Ello?  
Doktor H: Yo. I'm at the parking lot in front of the smoldering crater that used to be the mall.  
Heero: Yeah, I torched that place well.  
Doktor H: Yes you did. Come here. I have something cool to show you.  
Heero: 'Ight.  
  
::And so, Heero went to the parking lot of the Ex-Mall.::  
  
Heero: Yo, Doktor dude. What'd you want to show me?  
Doktor H: See this extra large eighty-eight ounce soda in my hands?  
Heero: Yes.  
Doktor H: I got this for fifty-nine cents. *slurp*  
Heero: Smooth.  
Doktor H: Yes, I know. Oh, and by the way, I built a time machine out of a Zeon Zaku mobile suit.   
Heero: No shit?  
Doktor H: No shit. Of course, you wouldn't know what a Zaku is anyways, because your all stupid and dumb.  
Heero: Why a Zaku? Why not a Hygogg or something?  
Doktor H: Because Zakus have axes and spikes on their shoulders.  
Heero: Sweet.  
Doktor H: I call it…the Gundam Leon.  
Heero: Gundam Lorean?  
Doktor H: No. Leon.  
Heero: Ah. Where is it?  
Doktor H: Right next to you. On the left.  
Heero: Oh, sweet. How come I didn't see it?  
Doktor H: Because I put a throw rug on its right foot. And you're a moron.  
Heero: Oh. Sweet.  
  
::Doktor H holds up a five hundred pound Burro Clam!::  
  
Doktor H: See this clam?  
Heero: Yeah.  
Doktor H: I'm gonna send this clam two minutes into the future, just to show off.  
Heero: Smooth.  
Doktor H: I know.  
  
::Before Doktor H warps the clam, let's describe the Gundam Leon. It looks like a Zaku with THE DeLorean jammed through the chest. There. Now, Doktor H puts the clam into the Leon and makes it travel through time. It makes fire tracks and sets few un-scored trees and bushes a-blaze.::  
  
Heero: Wow. You're a clam-killer.  
Doktor H: It'll be back.  
Heero: So, how does it time-travel?  
Doktor H: I built a gizmo that runs on sparkling pixie-dust and happy magical sunshine.  
Heero: Where'd you get the pixie-dust?  
Doktor H: Pixie-dust collecting machine.  
  
::Show shot of Doktor H's Lab. Now, show shot inside the big metal vault that's in his lab. Shows Quatre tied upside down above an empty bathtub. Glittery stuff is falling off Quatre and filling the bathtub.::  
  
Quatre: Ahhh! Someone help meeeeeeeee!  
  
::Back at the Ex-Mall::  
  
Heero: What about the sunshine?  
Dr. H: You don't want to know.  
Heero: Yes I do.  
Dr. H: No, you don't.  
Heero: Okay.  
  
::Suddenly, the Leon comes back!::  
  
Dr. H: And the clam is still safe, ladies and gentlemen!  
Heero: Schwa. What do you need a time machine for?  
Dr. H: Well, you see, I dropped my wallet a week ago. I decided I need to build a time machine out of a Zaku so I could go back and mug myself.  
Heero: Where'd you get a Zaku?  
Dr. H: The past.  
Heero: How'd you get there?  
Dr. H: I stole a lawn mower from the country club and made a time machine out of it.  
  
[Flashback!]  
::Golf Course. Dr. H comes zooming by on a riding lawnmower that has the back parts of The DeLorean on it.::  
  
Dr. H: Weeoo!!  
  
::Lawn Mower explodes and leaves flaming tire tracks in the grass.::  
[End Flashback!]  
  
Dr. H: Then I went back in time and stole the Wright Bros' plane, and made a time machine out of that.  
  
[Flashback!!]  
::Shows Dr. H slowly puttering by on the Wright Bros plane, which has the lawnmower duct-taped on it.::  
  
Dr. H: Weeoo!!  
  
::Plane explodes, leaving flaming tire tracks floating in mid-air.::  
[End Flashback!]  
  
Dr. H: Then I went forward in time, stole a tank, and made a time machine out of that.  
  
[Flashback!!]  
::Shows a large tank rumble past. The Lawn mower and plan are duct-taped to the back of it.::  
  
Dr. H: *muffled* Weeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooo!!  
  
::Tank explodes, leaving fire tracks on the ground.::  
[End Flashback!]  
  
Dr. H: And then I stole a Zaku and came back, and made a time machine out of it.  
Heero: Cool.  
Dr. H: I know.  
  
::Suddenly, Treis Kusi…Krush….Kusrinada? Well, Treis and his posse' show up in a van. They have guns.::  
  
Treis: Hey, want to see a cool trick?  
Dr. H: Sure.  
Treis: Okay. See this gun?  
Dr. H: Yes.  
Treis: Bang. Your dead. Cool, huh?  
Dr. H: Blarg! I am dead. *thud*  
Heero: ::rather non-chantly.:: Noo. Doktor H. Hm...I guess I should hop in the time machine and figure out how to escape in it, right?  
Treis: If you want.  
Heero: Zoink!  
  
::Heero gets into the Gundam Leon and travels through time! Where will he go? Who will he meet? What about Dr. H?? Find out in the next totally un-exciting intallment!!:: 


	2. The Other Default Chapter

[More ugly title logo action here!]  
  
:: Heero, fresh from his narrow escape from Treis and His Posse..::  
  
Treis: Mmm…fresh Heero. I'll show him a 'narrow escape'. Oh yes. Yes I will.  
  
:: ...alright. Isn't that special? Regardless, Heero has managed to find himself in a dark, dark time in Gundam history...::  
  
Heero: Before pants were invented?  
  
:: No. UC 0079!::  
Heero: Dude, that's not possible.  
  
:: Why the hell not? It's still Gundam!::  
  
Heero: True, but the Gundam series I frolic about in is not considered to be in the actual Gundam time line. "New Mobile Report Gundam W" (Or Gundam Wing outside of the Pacific Islands) is more of a "What if?" story and has no real substance in the epic war story that Gundam is. Another example would be Mobile Fighter G Gundam. Think of it as….one big, stupid lie gone horribly, horribly wrong. With pretty people in it.  
  
::Ahhh…so, what your telling me is…I can warp your already twisted reality with the thoughts that spring forth from my ravaged, soccer game injury induced brain?::  
  
Heero: Um…err….yes. No. No! No, you can't.  
  
::Well, since they (screwed.) Gundam up enough with you guys, no point in not telling me I can't! HAHA! Heero is sent to NMRGWC 0053, the year…that PANTS were invented!::  
  
Heero: Aaaaaagh!  
  
::And lands the Gundam Leon, coincidentally, on the man who invented pants, Doctor….uh….Van Hoff….err…McPantsin'. ::  
  
Dr. McP: DAMN! I sure am glad I invented pants!  
Leon: *crunch*  
Heero: Shoot. There goes my legal permit.  
  
::Poof!::  
  
Heero: Whoa. Did it get drafty in here, or is it just me?  
  
::And, by the power of association, boxers (or any other sort of undergarment dealing with pant conjunctivity) were never invented either. Poof!::  
  
Heero: Oh yes. Very drafty.  
  
::Then he was struck by lighting.::  
  
Leon: Zounds!  
  
::And is sent back to the fu…uh….time period following the next few.::  
  
Heero: Home again!  
  
::He gets out of the Leon only to discover….a world gone mad!::  
  
Heero: Agh! The vending machine is out of canned coffee!  
  
:: Canned coffee was never invented, fool!::  
  
Heero: Why not?!  
  
:: There was no need! There are no PANTS to protect from coffee stains! Uwahahahaha!!::  
  
Heero: AGH!  
  
::Suddenly, Zechs shows up!::  
  
Zech: Hey there, big guy.  
Heero: Yo Zechs. AGH! Don't point that at me!  
Zechs: Point what at you? This? *point point point*  
Heero: AAAGH!!!  
Duo: Looks like somebody needs a hug!  
Heero: Back! Back I say!!  
Doktor H: By the way, Heero…  
Heero: AAAGH!!!  
Dr. H: Quite. Your about to go back in time and kill yourself before you can destroy pants.  
Heero: Wait! How come your not dead anymore?  
Dr. H: With the lack of pockets, conceling firearms has become a rather….painful…practice.  
Heero: Riiight. I think I'll go stop myself before I kill me.  
Dr. H: Good thinking.  
  
::Heero breaks away from the group and gets in the Leon only to discover….he left the window down!::  
  
Heero: So?  
  
::During summer!::  
  
Heero: And?  
  
::With LEATHER INTERIOR!!::  
  
Heero: AGH! The PAIN! WHY DOES IT HURT?!  
  
::Leon goes back in time anyways. Heero gets out and confronts himself from the past, when he still had pants!::  
  
Heero: Hey you! Wait…aren't those MY pants?  
Heero: Fuggit.  
  
::Space time collapses due to Heero's talking to himself! Then, Heero from the paster past shows up and waits!::  
  
Heero: I lurk! Oh yes, I do.  
  
::Then, when Heero from the future is about to confront the other Heero from the past, the Stealthy Heero from the past jumps out of the bush and shoots both of himselves in the heads!::  
  
Heero: My work here is done.  
  
:: And…ah, hell. I'll finish it later.:: 


End file.
